It is more than five weeks since I have written anything. It started when my husband traveled out of the country for work. Usually, I am neither happy or sad when he travels. I take that time to clean and organize our home, catch-up with friends, and binge watch Netflix.
This time my life stood still. I still cleaned, drank with friends, and watched Netflix. But I wasn’t happy. I was on an autopilot of living. The first week I thought I was feeling down because I was relaxing. The second week, I thought that I was being lazy and miss him.
I was relieved once he returned, but not my normal self. I just didn’t feel like doing anything. I binged watched Dexter, Damages, and Manhunt: Unabomber. I couldn’t focus on things. I felt as though I was living in someone else’s body.
I am not lazy or a major procrastinator. So I couldn’t understand my dazed emotional state. I analyzed myself. Probably because it was the holiday season, and the missing husband made me lonely. Probably I needed another spa vacation. I tried my usual solutions. I eat the foods I like. I hiked. I worked out. I watched movies in the theater. But nothing lifted my fog.
I worried that I was going deep in depression. I just couldn’t get a handle on me. I felt lost.
One evening, I had an epiphany. Probably I wasn’t getting enough sunlight. Bay area is cloudy and foggy since before Thanksgiving. Years ago, on my therapist suggestion, I had bought a SAD light. I dug it out, plugged it in, and sat staring at it. Of course, the damn light died as soon as I pressed the start button.
I was desperate. The light was my last resort as I didn’t want to contact my therapist. So within hours, I ordered a new Led SAD light from Amazon. This was the first time I ever paid for expedited shipping charges.
I am using the light for one week, and it has helped me come out of my daze. I feel normal. I am catching up with life. I was not depressed; I just have the winter blues.